Monday, September 24, 2007

The Road Not Travelled

It's late. And I'm up. Again. Insomnia. Used to be the kids kept me up. Breastfeeding and all that. Now it's just me keeping me up...which, for the past few days anyway, has been convenient since they both have colds and end up crying out for me or waking up in a coughing fit anyway. At least this way, I'm not roused out of a blissfully peaceful sleep. But operating on 4 or 5 hours of sleep per day isn't good either, and just might explain why I can't seem to shake my own cold.

So what gives? Why the late night bursts of energy spent wasting time in front of a computer screen, giving into the compulsion to Google the names of just about every person I've ever known? Somethin's brewin, but I can't put my finger on it. There are hints of past ills revisited and yet unresolved with just a touch of present day anxiety over where life is taking me. Just today I was telling Doug how I'm feeling, "lost," a bit like everyone else has figured themselves out, and I'm still bumbling through life letting things happen to me. Seems that most days recently I feel more like a passenger in my own life than the driver, or perhaps an auto-pilot....at least where the kids and household are concerned. They and it move right along without a hitch. But me. My life. My drive. It's there. I feel it. But it's so obscured by the fog of daily life that I can't seem to find my way to it. And frankly, I'm not even sure where to start looking. Somewhere along the way, I got married, had kids, bought a house, etc., all things I've always wanted. And yet, lately, I can't seem to find myself in it all. I think in taking the time to build lives for my family, I forgot to maintain and build on my own. So tell me, when you find yourself in the midst of everything you've ever wanted feeling, "lost," how do you find your way back?

(yawn) Oh well. In the meantime, I should put the insomnia to good use and start a business where I hire myself out to take care of other people's children who are up all night with various ills so mommy and daddy can sleep. After last year's month and a half long teething/cold/flu/stomach virus season, I'm more than qualified.

nite nites.

1 comment:

Leslie said...

Up early myself. I think your feelings are typical for a young mother. I've been there myself and feeling lost, confused and uncertain how I came to that place. Upon reflection, I realized I had chosen to forget my own needs to care for others. I also needed other young mothers to share my situation with and get some feedback about balancing my life. Finding another young mother who misses the emotional and intellectual stimulation we experienced when we were in the work-a-day world was the rub. So I went actively looking for such persons. It took some time but eventually I did find outlets for my own nurture independent of my choice to become a mother and wife.
Enjoy your time with Joy and her kids. We miss you here!
Hugs, Leslie